Quit?

Its perhaps getting a little bit daft now. Its daft to place so much importance on an event (or 2 in this case). Events that can be done any year. Then again its not daft to place so much on the events when you're doing them primarily to raise money for a very important charity. Its daft to risk injury to do them but then again its unthinkable to let people down (and myself). Then again is it daft to go through it all to raise just a couple of thousand pounds when events like Sport Relief with the backing of TV, Radio and Celebrity raise £50 million plus. Its not like I can prepare properly for VLM now so I cant even run based on trying to get a PB regardless of what I raise in sponsorship (which is getting harder and harder to raise). Its daft to put all your emotional stock into it. Its just plain daft!
As you can see an enforced lay off with injury may be good for the body but its horrendous on the mind! Im probably 85% of the way to be ready to bike again. This could mean I may be back on the bike before April some 3 weeks before VLM and 13 weeks before Outlaw. If I can bike I can swim but I am wholy conscious of my lurgy at the moment. My crater face stinks of rotting flesh and oozes goo. Consultant says its ok to go swimming with some vaseline on it but it cant be nice for other pool users and it is becoming a mental block to swimming (or at least the thought of swimming once my back is better!). Here is what my face looks like at the end of week 4 of 6 weeks of treatment.

 This next one is how it looks first thing in the morning before it is cleaned up. Nice eh?

Of course I've not tested the ankle due to my enforced rest but that should mean it has recovered but it does mean I have an unkown element to contend with there. Do I get running asap (same time as bike) and really get some running in for 3 weeks prior to VLM or do I sort fitness with bike and swimming (mental blocks allowing?) and just slot in a couple of runs pre VLM and hope the Edinburgh steel from May last year and Liverpool pride so tested in October can carry me round London?
If I wasnt doing VLM I would ride and swim my nuts off until I was flying and introduce the running as late as possible to ensure I get to the start line at Outlaw fit. So do I pull out of VLM? It has been suggested to me. My place at VLM is on a Gold bond ticket for Birmingham Childrens Hospital. The Hospital that treats my niece Poppy! Exactly - you see the problem - back to thoughts of letting down etc again. It has also been suggested I defer my place at Outlaw - believe me the suggestions didnt need to be made as my mind has been backwards and forwards with the issue. Particularly the 'its gonna be hard enough with good prep and training to do this so how the fuck can you do it with fucked up prep and training?'. I do understand that the suggestions have been made with my best interests at heart and I appreciate that a lot.
So what do I do? Drop VLM and concentrate on Outlaw? Drop both and hope for a better training run next year? Drop Outlaw and do VLM only? How do I make that decision? Consider the fors and against?
Reason for quitting - health, fitness, less stress and pressure.
Reasons against quitting - Poppy, Abi, Harry, Lisa, Brian, some Scottish guy I've never met or spoke to who did a 24 hr step challenge, John Bishop, Walliams, Izzard, Skinner, Matt Gadsby, @runner786 @ajh1269 @jwutra @madlot1 @scotlassruns @deedah10 @mrhappyontherun @paintedrunner @movingalong79 @ogdenrunner and many many many more I can't fill this post with, Corpl Carl Taylor "it was just one of those things", pride, confidence, heart and happiness, myself, my kids and ultimately Mrs Brightside who holds it all together, holds me together particularly when my thoughts are dark.
I got this text from Poppy's mom on Friday "Just had email from Surgeon to say Poppy's Op Mon 23rd April - St Georges Day. She will start Asprin 3 days after post op scan to prevent a stroke. She will be admitted Sunday 22nd"! This brought a tear to my eye. If I cant get myself together to run around London a bit to help in any way I can the battles these kids endure (without choice or deserving!) whether I raise £10 or £10,000, then I would be a pretty shameful character devoid of heart. So, while Poppy is prepped for the biggest operation of her life I will run round London and everyone there will know why. Then on St Georges day we can celebrate Englands day being the day Poppy was finally rid of her brain tumour! It will be a good training run for Outlaw July 1st!
So as General Custer (probably) once said "fuck it - in for a penny in for a pound".

The Walking Dead & Early Taper?

I keep catching a whiff of something gross. Its a sweet rotting type smell and particularly today I keep catching it. It appears its me - more accurately its the smell of Protein oozing from my face as the Imiquimod cream attacks the Basal Cell Carsinoma. Nice eh? It stings and oozes and the doc has reassured me that it is working. 3.5 weeks of treatment to go so 3.5 weeks of looking not to disimilar to a freshly turned corpse in The Walking Dead. Probably smell like one too!
After my moan of a last post I'll stick with the positives from now on. I caught up on The Walking Dead yesterday as I am currently bored rigid at home unable to move about too much due to my back injury. Its a brilliant series as I love post apocolyptic stuff. I love the desolation of a wiped out world. The great thing about Zombie type movies, apart from some of the updated versions, is the way an able bodied person cannot outrun, sidestep, jump over the broken, dismembered, rotting corpse of the fumbling, bumbling undead dead! It was good to catch up on the series and I was glad I had some recorded because the other offerings on daytime TV are a perfect example of why this country has problems.
Positive news from my doc visit yesterday is that the back problem is muscular - nothing as serious as a damaged, herniated or burst disc. Anti inflammatories may help and 2 weeks of rest should see an end to it. More positive news is that the enforced rest will aid the ankle ligaments that have been causing a problem and when i return to running if I take it steady and wear a support I should be ok. Even more positive news is that the 2 lumps under the skin just near to my jaw hinge are nothing sinister and are just a reaction to the body being under stress from the lurgy and its treatment.
Granted I have had to alter my VLM training schedule as it looks like I wont be able to train until about 3 weeks before the race. Similarly it knocks completely out of shape my Outlaw IM preperations. It looks like I will now be getting marathon fit from 10 miles in 3 weeks and Outlaw fit from 1 mile swim,45 bike,10 run in 13 weeks or so. My new and brilliant plan introduces the early Taper! Now you might not find Chrissie Wellington or the Brownlee brothers banging on about this plan, indeed I dont think Paula Ratcliffe or Scott Overall use it but needs must. My 1 week of marathon taper pre VLM and 2 weeks of IM taper pre Outlaw are being taken now! Genius right? 3 weeks without training and body rested ready for 13 weeks of graft!
I am still confident I will Ironman on July 1st. The challenge just became a little tougher making the prize for success that little bit shinier.

Old School!

I am going to moan - cant do a lot else at the moment. I am then not going to moan again until this journey is complete.
I am sidelined completely at the moment. A week that should have involved 4 hours of running,6 hours of cycling and 2 hours of swimming has involved 45 mins of running and thats it! My body has broken. It clearly needs a rest regardless of what I know I need to be doing to be ready for VLM in 6 weeks and Outlaw Ironman in 16 weeks! It is broken as follows:-
1) Left ankle sprained (no idea how) - cant run!
2) Left thigh strained (again no idea how) - cant run or ride!
3) Knees painful similar to the sidelining over Christmas - cant run!
4) Lower back aching long term condition and manageable - painful cycle!
5) Upper back pulled muscles yesterday lifting a chair! - cant run or ride or swim!
6) Basal Cell Carsinoma (skin cancer) being treated on face open wound hurts while running and unpleasant and on my mind whils swimming (bloody stings after too!) - putting me off swimming!
7) Ridiculously seem to have suffered a tendon/ligament injury in first finger swollen and annoying.
8) Mouth ulcer - sure sign the body is struggling!
The plan is to rest the back and thigh until the muscles have settled and then hit the pool and bike like a madman and race back to full fighting fitness. Stay off the running until the ankle is fully recovered and hope the general fitness from bike and swim and the base of two marathons last year can see me through VLM and then be as good as I can be in prep for Outlaw. The face can just sting because the treatment is 6weeks (i am 2 in so far) so i have no time to avoid the pool! The longstanding back can be coped with. In my teens I managed it with Deep Heat! Tons of the stuff. Just soaked my back in it. Old school style. My first smell of it for 20 odd years and it blasted me straight back to the rugby changing room of the late 80's. Many a day then would have been easier for me had I not gone out to play. Even now I may have benefitted from making such a decision back then. However, now as then, I have no intention of not going out to play. The game is Outlaw and i will be in the starting XV!
Be back soon kids so play nice!

Ups & Downs!

There are loads! Sometimes they vary from one day to another, sometimes form one hour to the next and sometimes the rollercoaster can be all over the place in the space of minutes! This last week has been wierd. Thursday and Friday I was getting some ankle jip! It felt like I had gone over on it but I hadn't. This put me off running on Thursday and cycling on Friday. I needed to be out and so Saturday instead of a scheduled run I went out on the bike. I did a 21 mile route at a normal pace for me (about 15mph). The ride however was plagued with dark thoughts and self doubt. All the usual such as 'how the fuck am I gonna swim 3800 odd metres?', 'can I actually cycle for 112 miles and somehow find it in myself to run a marathon afterwards?', 'what if I get injured in training?', 'my running miles are too low for VLM in 7 weeks time', 'why am I doing VLM 10 weeks before Outlaw?', 'how can I get £2000 of sponsorship together for BCH for running VLM for them?', 'does my bum look big in this?', 'why doesnt my mom have a grave for me to visit?', 'what if the experts are wrong and the BCC on my face can/has spread?', 'how can they know?', 'Ive survived my mom by nearly 2 years now but am I just pushing my luck?', 'how the fuck do people cope with shit?', 'what happens if I get killed by a hit and run driver?', 'how am I so lucky to have such a fantastic wife and two tremendous kids?', 'I hope they dont put mortgage rates up', 'I want to be a better man', 'I really should have listened to the back specialist when he warned me to stop playing rugby in my teens or face a lifetime of back problems!' etc etc...
The route took me past my childhood home and I circled the park in Little Aston stopping for a moment where Mrs Brightside had a tree planted in memory of my mom. There are times I think when I need a good slap in the face, or as it was on occasions when I was a kid and had been particularly naughty (such as hitting my brother with a snooker cue) a slipper on the harris! I cracked on and whilst it was a mixed bag while on the ride it is of course always satisfying to have done it once I have finished.
I followed this up with a mile swim which went ok other than more than the usual amount of doubt. Looking back I think I just need to crack the 3800m in the pool so i know I can do the distance and crack 112 miles on the bike for the same reason. Rather frustratingly in the pool were the ' I will swim a gentle backstroke ' lady trying to talk to the ' whilst I will do a gentle breast stroke ' woman, both having a good natter and float about in the lane marked 'FAST LANE'. There are also GENERAL SWIM areas (ideal for their purposes) a MEDIUM lane and a SLOW lane. What do you do in these situiations? Every couple of lengths I had to overtake them or wait until they were far enough ahead for me to get 2 lengths in without catching them up. Do I politely highlight that whilst I fully appreciate their desire and effort to get out and do something to remove themselves from Tamworths ever growing obese population and whilst I am fully supportive of this as I am trying to do it myself - a brief lesson in reading might have been a more positive first step so they could avoid the lane marked FAST LANE! Anyway I did a little over a mile in my hour - at times I felt like the man from Atlantis and at other times I felt like Robert Maxwell!
Sunday all could get back on track with a good ride. Maybe 50 miles. I was riding with Carl so i knew it would be faster than me riding on my own. Unfortunately to get 50 in I needed to get up an hour and a half earlier and do 20 miles before meeting Carl at 7am! I didnt! I did meet Carl and it was lashing down. I wore my 2009 London Marathon reject waterproof coat (mistake), my gloves turned out to not be waterproof (cold), and I didnt fuel up properly (arse!). We did a 28 mile nice route. It started well with me smashing Hints hill (by my standards anyway) as I stayed on the big cog at the front! After that the rain and the wind probably got the better of me. Cold set in by being so wet, ringing my gloves out as I rode was annoying and nothing seemed to click. Still 28 miles is another 28 miles and as i often remind myself you cant pick your training conditions because on race day you cant pick your race conditions.
Monday is my rest day (although that may soon change) and then Tuesday I ran a lunchtime 4.5 miles. Sub 9mins/mile and comfortable. I didnt push it at all. All felt fine until in the middle of the night I tried to walk on my ankle and it was very painful. My back was hurting from the rides. My thigh felt like it had been torn and ridiculously it feels like I have strained a ligament in my finger! My face is burning and oozing. By the time I got up this morning (and didnt go for the planned 16 mile ride) I felt like my body had broken! I have a 1 hour swim scheduled for tonight. The oozing face should be ok and protected by a vaseline smearing (although this doesnt stop the throbbing while running) and I may then look at re-evaluating my training schedule. I have got to get distance runs in asap or I wont get around VLM but my ankle wont let me. I have got to get distance in on the bike but my ankle and back wont let me. I can swim however as much as i like. Can I get marathon fit by swimming alone? Currently its the only option.
I am not gonna panic....yet! VLM can be a training jog and nothing more. I dont have to race it! I can still raise money for BCH I wont let them down. I can swim myself fit and then nail the bike with some distance and the little run at the end is just about putting one leg infront of the other. Time and time and time again.
In other news I am overwhelmed by the support in getting Poppy's video clip seen by the world. Her op is likely to be at the beginning of April. In preparation for her losing her hair she had 10" cut off and donated it to make wigs for children losing their hair through illness/treatment! Thankyou all for sharing the clip all 100+ of you. Forgive me for not thanking you all individually but it would take forwever. Needless to say I am very grateful! In 4 days more than 3200 people have watched it. Thank you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbxAmdTqXR8&sns=tw

Run,Rugby,Cycle,Lurgy!

Energized by my 48 mile cycle commute last Thursday I rested Friday and arranged a 7.5 mile cross country run with #TNSG (the not so gorgeous I think) Saturday morning. I met @JWUltra @Madlot1 @Jules_perox at Sutton Park at 6am! Brilliant run around the park, plenty left in the tank and a not too shabby 9 mins/mile pace anyway! Really enjoyed the run and great to not be running on the road for a change. Great company (although I think they may have taken it a bit easy on me for my first outing!) and picked up a few nuggets of info for Outlaw. I am struggling somewhat to shrug off some horrific mental images regarding @JWUltra's bathing habits but my councellor thinks that with time I should be ok.
After the run I drove to Twickenham for my first ever International rugby match. Brilliant day of brilliant hospitality, fantastic atmosphere, great game (save for the result) and I got to say hello to a couple of England Rugby players. Got a programme signed by Simon Shaw for the Poppyfields Ball! It was of course emotionally draining. I tend to put to much emotional stake into Englands rugby matches and the last 5 minutes I became an emotional wreck. From where I was sat, 7 rows from the very top of Twickenham about a mile above the pitch, I can say with absolute certainty that Englands last second try was definitely a try! England can be proud in defeat, they gave it their all and I'll be hijacking some of that pride and effort for Outlaw.
Sunday morning I was out on the bike with my previous running coach now soone to be triathlete @johnsupermole Unfortunately he has transferred his running skills to the bike effortlessly. The upshot of this (only his second outing on the bike) was that he pushed me really hard and we clocked 20 miles at 16.2 mph average. Easily my fastest ride. We tagged on a 6 mile run too and it was a relief to me that I found it comfortable and that I had plenty in the tank.
Monday was lurgy day. Consultant confirmed it is Low Grade Basel Cell Carcinoma and as its on the surface he thinks 6 weeks of cream should clear it up. If it doesnt they will cut it out but he seemed confident. He was clear that it is not something that can spread to other parts of the body. Also the treatment won't interrupt training!
This lead on nicely to a 5 mile lunchtime run on Tuesday, a 10 mile cycle Wednesday morning and a mile swim Wednesday night in my new Specsavers prescription goggles. What a difference they made. I can now see when swimming and they dont mist up. Nailed a mile in 45 minutes and got some great swim tips off an Ironman veteran!
Thats all for now as each day I seem to have less and less time. As ever fantastic support from everyone particularly my virtual training partners @movingalong79 @ogdenrunner @paintedrunner and many more and of course the rock that is Mrs Brightside!

Got the Buzz back!

The thing is with this Ironman mularky, as ridiculous a challenge as it is, its all consuming for me. I think by the end of last week I was mentally exhausted by it. I think that caused some dispondency at some confidence issues especially regarding the bike. I need to learn to rest my brain from constantly thinking run this ride that and swim the other. I also need to cut out the bullshit! With that in mind I am going to refrain from saying I am going to do this and that on this day and instead confine my blog to what I have done! My last post - prior to the two marathon filers - i waffled on about how i was going to correct my cycling slackery (I failed to do as intended) and blast a lenghty run (failed on that score too).
So, instead, heres how it panned out and its actually all good! Sat I got up late again. I was bloody furious and so I ran 6 miles. I ran it angry because i was annoyed with myself which meant I was ill disciplined in my running - ridiculously it turned out to be my fastest 6 miler and first under 50mins! This was good and matters improved when a couple of hours later I had a really good swim session knocking out 2000m in a little over an hour. So running and swimming coming on nicely.
I didnt ride Sunday as I had planned and whilst I blamed a light smittering of snow and a bit of ice deep down I know I would have used any excuse. Why? I've no idea. Going into this week then, a reduced week in my Ironman plan I knew I needed to get back out on the bike. Monday then I had agreed with my new virtual training partner @paintedrunner that we would both do a 40 mins bike session with sprints. I get fantastic support from Twitter but I failed to do my bit. I owned up and between us we decided on a 16miler for Thursday instead (Lena had done the 40mins session btw- supremely focused).
Tuesday produced a faster still 6am 6 miler at moving ave pace of 8:08 per mile. Ran with @pdchadwick who makes it look so easy and never even breaks sweat. I dont think he even has to breathe! I was really pleased with this again but for the second run i was plagued with the stitch - gotta sort that out!
Wednesday I swim with my daughters swimming lesson and her coach is giving me some pointers. This is working out really well and I did a steady 1000m or so (i lost count a bit!).
So today......yep didnt get up in time to ride so instead I rode to work. 24 miles Tamworth to Coventry and what a buzz it was. 18 miles or so of lanes followed by a quick whizz around the ring road (that got the adrenaline going) and then last 3 miles up the A45. Bloody hell them 18 wheelers can scare the crap out of you but I think the fear and risk added to it. Some cracking hills to work on to and I was well pleased with it. http://connect.garmin.com/activity/151977332 Happy with the average moving speed and just happy to be back on the bike.
The return journey was just as much fun particularly getting through the centre of Cov before being back on the lanes. I was accompanied by an Angel all the way back as the sun began to set and I had the Jimi Hendrix track of the same name going around my head all the way. http://connect.garmin.com/activity/151977316 No gear issues either way and I used them all and hit them hard which was a relief. The upshot is that I have definitely got my cycling buzz back. I will not be slacking from the bike again!
Great support as always answering my daft questions and offering encouragement on Twitter & FB from @JWUltra @scotlassruns @melliemelc @ironjack35 @tj1974 @xox_joanna_xox @teamb_o_b @dazhalfpenny @movingalong79 and the rest of you!
I am off to Twickenham on Saturday to watch England stuff it up the Welsh but I do have the odd training session planned. Details to follow.....

Liverpool Marathon 2011 (2nd marathon experience)

** Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Whilst I have left this blog as I wrote it initially I am going to add a link to a BBC News report that I think it is important that you read **

I always wonder when recounting these things whether or not to go warts and all but that’s pretty much how I have done in the past and it’s the only way to honestly describe doing it! Its good for the soul too I reckon. So, Liverpool marathon October 9th. If I could describe it in one word I would have to say 'toss' but there is much more to it than that and after a good nights sleep I can look back at it slightly differently. Running a marathon for a chubby amateur like me has a million components. You’ve got to want to, you’ve got to get your inspiration from somewhere, clothing, training, eating, drinking, sleeping, holidays, transport, mental attitude all play a part. Now the want and inspiration isn’t a problem for me, nor is the training and prep because I have such fantastic support from Mrs Brightside and everyone else.
The problem for me is mental. It’s the mental fight with myself, it’s the craving to better myself, to make me a better person. I overheard a conversation today ‘its not your legs that stop its your brain telling them to stop’. That’s entirely true. Its 80% if not 90% mental. So you all know how I had got on 5 months ago in Edinburgh, 4:42 for my first marathon in force gale conditions and I entirely won the mental fight! Liverpool my second and I had a stinker.
I cant blame the prep, I ran, I ran distance and was confident in myself that even pushing out to 11min/mile I would be ok! I’d run 19.35 miles 2 weeks before at just over 10 mins/mile and could have easily done another 6 which would have been around the 4:30-4:40 mark. I’d relaxed Friday and Saturday eaten my carbs. I bombed up to Liverpool in the morning and parked up, had a chat with a guy running in a gorilla suit @runclimbmather and then got to the start with no rush. Said Hi to @movingalong79 chatted to a marathon first timer – who looked ridiculously fitter than me and then joined @100mara100weeks (Si) in the blue start pen. The plan was to run with Si and this was his 32nd marathon of his challenge.
So, at 9.15am I was good to go – no real issues. 9.30am kick off time passed and nothing happened. Still nothing at 10.00am when it was announced that they were awaiting clearance from the police get out of the pens and we will call you back 5 mins before the off whenever that may be. Bloody frustrating but I can’t blame that either. It doesn’t affect the run! So finally we get called back in and we’re off at 10.20 ish! Sun comes out immediately and it was hot. Hotter for gorilla man, the soldiers in full kit and the firemen in full kit! Running a marathon with 15000 other friendly, supportive chatty people and bearing in mind I was running with Si, is a strangely insular experience for me. I thought I would run better running with someone but despite the great company Si was I think the lingering thought in my mind was that I was holding him back, burdening him with my slower pace. He had agreed to run with me and could not be told to crack on without me so as I slowed, I felt worse for him which made me negative which set me up for a much tougher mental challenge. With 90% of it mental that’s not good.
First few miles are out of a park, a few streets, bridges and industrialised areas and before you know it you’re down on The Mersey front. Now, I felt ok but not great but then its taken me a few miles recently to get into my running. An initial pace of 9.37 ish per mile has dropped to10 per mile by 6 miles but I am ok. As we start along the promenade I cant quite pick up my running and with a quarter done I am struggling. Not through pain or discomfort I just can’t get on it. Si has been having trouble with his calf recently but today it’s fine instead its his right knee giving him pain from about 5 miles in. He just gets on with it and we run down the 2.5 mile promenade back through the estates, hit a horrible looping climb section to get to the tunnel. Gotta say the support was great from good crowds, Si is urging me on, I am feeling shittier wondering how the fuck I am gonna run this when I wanna finish at 10 miles. 10 miles! 10 miles is nothing it’s a get up have a glass of water go out and piss it on a Saturday morning run but today it’s so tough. It’s beating me but its not its me beating myself. I am not running with a positive attitude, I am looking too far ahead, I am allowing my thoughts to add weight, to push me down so my head is down and I am slumped instead of head up and running (that’s how it feels anyway).
Back to the tunnel, the first mile and a half is the only time I felt in the zone of all 26.2! Probably because it’s a long downhill section. Of course what goes down must go up or something like that and so the next mile and a half of the tunnel was a nightmare, I slowed considerably, Si had his first stop to sort his knee then caught me up but by the time we came out the tunnel I was plodding. More hills followed around the city centre, brilliant crowds helped in parts but I couldn’t get going, plodded a flat straight 14.5-15.5 turned a corner and 15.5 to 16.5 was the mother of all Hints hills x 5 whilst watching the elite runners streaming down the other side of the road at about 20mph! Plod plod fucking plod managed to get up the hill then you head into Sefton Park.
Now I wasn’t really mentally prepared for Sefton and Princes Park, it was like Children Of The Corn, whichever way you ran you couldn’t get out of the fucking park. Faster runners passing you one way then you’re passing the slower runners then same again and again and again. Si had made a couple of calls on his phone to update his web page for his challenge and he had talked of doing a quick video at some point for his podcast. Fine, I know I can stop and start again, but I don’t think I had ever done it from the position of plodding along so poorly and from a position of so wanting to stop anyway! Stopped to do the video at between 18-19 miles and walked a few hundred yards while Si dealt with the technology stuff. I’d like to say it was an enforced stop so didn’t count but I think I would have walked at this point anyway. Knowing this I am pretty furious with myself and everytime someone shouts ‘Go on Sid’ when I’m walking makes me just wanna hide. Feels like fraud!
Off and running again past a blind guy being led by his pal, a polish fella runs past and shouts ‘Sidowski (Sid-off-ski) are you from Poland’ ‘No I hail from Birmingham in the midlands sir (no oim a brummie mate)’ ‘this is my 123rd Marathon’ he leaves me with as he runs on. Plod plod fucking plod I cannot lift my legs. You could walk faster than I am running! The park is horrendous with its twists and turns, runners in all direction, no idea where you are in comparison to others running opposite you and no idea when you’re likely to hit the road home and the negativity is sat on my shoulders pressing down and smiling at me! Si wont run on he says he will finish with me and while he battles the pain in his knee the pressing gets a little more firm! It slashes it down in the park as well. Not a major problem really. So we finally pop out of the park. I had walked again somewhere around 21ish but only briefly. Bit of extra weight on the mind though! Whilst in there we’ve passed markers 18-22 and 4 miles left is nothing. Reasonable slightly faster plod along a road nearing 23 sharp right turn and bam back into the fucking park up a hill. I’ll be honest it whacked the fight straight out of me. Once you’ve walked anyway it’s easier to do again. Lets face it, it’s the easy option, the easy way out but a marathons not supposed to be easy. With all the will in the world I didn’t have it in me to run again in that fucking park. It had beaten me or rather I had beaten myself. So I walked the best part of 23-24. Cursing myself every step, hating myself, Si points out its about completing it not the time but that doesn’t help with my disgust with myself. If this had been a game of rugby I’d have taken me off at half time! All through the park was negative, ‘never again, just not good enough, who are you kidding, if you cant do this in which realm of fantasy can you attempt an ironman, whats Michelle gonna think, do I tell everyone that’s supported me that I’ve walked, does it still count’. When we finally definitely came out there was 2.5 miles to go.
I began plodding again easily 14 or 15min per mile pace but at least I am running not walking. Flat to 24.5 miles then the downhill that had so fucked me up when going the other way. Even got a bit into my stride past 25 – still great crowds urging us on and then the flat finishing mile a horrendously emotional mind bending mile until I crossed the line – angry disappointed and entirely not happy. Si had stuck with me and I thanked him for that – looking back I think I wanted him to go on without me and stay with me in equal measure. As he pointed out to me he does what he does for PTSD awareness in our armed forces – he suffers himself – and to raise money for Help for Heroes – he doesn’t do it for the times or the glory. I hope his knee is better for No.33 Amsterdam next week. So I get my medal, banana, protein shake (effin horrible) goody bag, piece of foil and t shirt, have my pic taken, lose Si and bump into Space who had been on the course but not seen me and was determined to greet me at the end. That put a smile on my face!

In Edinburgh I’d made the mistake of not having my phone. Mrs B waited 3 hours for a call to say I was ok! This time I had it in a strap on my arm but as I got it out to ring Mrs B and contact Ogden and George to meet up it was dead, fucking dead as a nail! Sadly Space’s was dead too so I couldn’t meet up with Ogden and George who had particularly put himself out for me. So I was feeling like a failure and now a let down. Brill! Trudged back to car, stuck the phone on charge, thanked Space for coming along, contacted Mrs B, unstuck my pants from where they had cut into my inner thighs, apologised to George and Ogden and set off home. Being stuck in traffic for 3 hours for a 1hr 30 min journey allows you time to think. The shooting pains in my buttocks, the chaffing and a good cry to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, only briefly interrupt my thoughts. A 5:10 marathon is nothing to be ashamed off but failure to give 100% is. It’s a war of attrition in many ways and I am the only enemy. The fact that I succeeded in beating myself only makes me more determined to make sure that next time I don’t! I’ll be happy with 5:10 again if I know in my heart I gave 100%. From that you’ll know that I will do another, I will do it better and I will not lose the mental fight next time!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-37895322

** I try and treat people nicely until I have reason to treat them otherwise. This is a perfect example of how that can come back to bite you. I don't learn as it's happened again recently. It's nice to be nice though right? **