I’ve a split personality which is now quite clearly defined. On the one hand I’m short, fat, bald, lazy, unreasonable, uncaring, selfish, foolish, generally unlikeable. On the other hand short, getting less fat, still bald, wannabe athlete, Outlaw, determined, focused, Morpher of challenges, fundraiser and encourager of others.
Weirdly Mrs B kinda fell for the former and then helped create the latter.
The battle is ongoing of course. One striving to improve and redeem and the other always looking for the easy option. Thursday’s lunchtime training session a prime example:-
Sid: “We’re going out on the Merida
Steve: “Are we fuck its cold and windy and I’m tired”
Sid: “You fat lazy twat you disgust me. We’re going!”
Steve: “Aah fuck. Can’t we just sit here and catch up the blog and eat lunch. Catch up on exercise tomorrow. A day off won’t hurt!”
Sid: “No! Bollocks to you. It’s you that got us into this mess. I’m left to sort it out. We’re going and that’s that!”
We went. Sid wins!
Its not always like that. A weekend morning conversation often goes something like this:-
Sid: “Alarm’s gone off lets get ready and out there”
Steve: “Fuck off its cold, dark and far too early and we need more sleep”
Sid: “We need to get the miles in. We need to get out there”
Steve: “Look it’s a bit wet too. It’s gonna hurt. Its not like we’re meeting anyone this morning so we wont let anyone down. Just stay in bed”
Sid: “Snooze has gone off now fatboy. If we don’t do it now we won’t do it. We’ll fail again! We’ll let ourself down”
Steve: “I don’t give a fuck we’re staying in bed!”
Stayed in bed. Steve wins!
It can happen during a training session too:-
Steve: “ For fucks sake its freezing, windy and wet. Legs hurt, breathing hurts, gonna get stitch and a shit session isn’t worth it. Lets turn back!”
Sid: “Seriously, you underachieveing scrotepiece we’re doing the full distance. Its brilliant out here and if we get our act together it will fly by. In fact because you’ve pissed me off I am adding a section as punishment!”
Steve: “Are you fuck!”
Sid: “Yep”
Steve “No! We don’t need to. Lets just cut it short no one will know”
Sid: “We’ll know!”
Steve: “So what? It doesn’t matter. Turn here and cut it short.”
Sid: “No. We’re doing extra!”
Steve: “No!”
Sid: “Yes!”
Steve: “No!”
Sid: “Yes!”
This generally goes on to the point of the additional section. Literally the last step or pedal or stroke.
Steve: “Don’t!”
Sid: “Too late. Challenge made – challenge accepted.”
Steve: “But it’s a fucking big hill!”
Sid: “Tough shit we’re doing it!”
Sid wins!
Of course it always happens in an event:-
Steve: “See! We’re shit and we can’t do this! We’re gonna have to pull out. That nice Marshall and St Johns
Sid: “Fuck right off! We’re gonna do it”
Steve: “What’s the point? We’re miles behind, we’ve walked, we probably won’t even complete it and if by some miracle we do then most people will have packed up and gone home. We aren’t strong enough. You live in a dreamland to have even taken this on.”
Sid: “People are relying on us to finish. They’ve sponsored us to do this. We said we would do this!”
Steve: “YOU said we would! Besides they’ve already paid. Even if we don’t finish the money has been raised. Jack it in we haven’t prepared properly. Just feign an injury and pull out. No shame in that!”
Sid: “I would happily kick the fuck out of us right now. As it is we’re gonna do this as well as we can do this!”
Steve: “We’ll never finish. Just stop. Stop now.”
Sid: “No! Bollocks to you. We’re having a Jelly Baby and we’re cracking on. No shame in finishing last. Complete shame in failing!”
Steve: “Oh fuck!”
Sid “Twat!”
Sid wins!
With 19 or so weeks to Outlaw Sid is winning. I’m running much better than this time last year and cycling much better too. I am more motivated in training and I am really looking forward to Outlaw. I’ve avoided swimming to date, not necessarily deliberately, but due to a lack of focus. Could be the thought of the first Morphsuit swim? Must get over that issue asap!
