The Lad's football cancelled due to Corona so here's an alternative match report to help me tackle the boredom and your entertainment.
Cottage Farm Alternatives (parents) -v- Cockspanner Stockpilers 22/03/20
Glorious day for a home match. Pitch trimmed to perfection, boots (toe capped) polished and Graham has had a match day Mohican with a view to intimidating the opposition. Sid has given his bonce an extra polish to dazzle them.
Kick off and straight away lino John is down Isle 8 whippet like and using his flag to take an eye out if anyone tries to get past him. Sarah has peeled off left to Isle 1 to create space for Andrew who's on the hunt for red top. Manager Normski has taken up a central position by the eggs and he is fending off the apes who think they need 200 eggs for two weeks of isolation. He's coping well.
Woah! That was out of order. A hoarder has just gone in two footed on Sue in the pasta isle. Debbie lets the woman get to the bottom of Isle 4 and leaves a sly elbow in after the challenge as retribution. The staff haven't seen it so there's no whistle and Debbie scoops up the four bags of pasta the woman was carrying. A swift pass of three of them to Carl who does the decent thing and passes them on to a group of elderly folk desperately wondering how they're going to survive on a tin of sardines, a pack of thins and a jar of stone filled olives for 12 weeks.
Dawn and Lisa are marshalling the defence and fending off any attempts to swipe stuff from our trolley. Its all getting a bit Rollerball (look it up kids its a belter) but they're keeping it tight. Lint has his foot on the neck of a scrote who had tried to grab 8 packs of toilet rolls. Lint is giving him an educational lecture pointing out that based on three sheets per wipe and the average wipes per toilet visit said scrote will need to have 83 shits per day to use 8 packs in 14 days!
Pauline, Andy and Keith appear down the flank with anti bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer to a huge roar from the crowd. There's a suggestion they were offside but the staff turn away the appeals. This could be a game changer as Mich, Sharon and Mrs ST create a lovely triangle in the centre to pick up colouring books and isolation boredom stuff to entertain the kids. A foul is called as Mich has inadvertently picked up a 6 pack of ribbed. Not required for this isolation since I availed myself of the quality buttered toast in The Peel some 14 years or so ago. She return them quick sharp and avoids a yellow card.
Its getting tense in the closing minutes. He's not even on the pitch but Normski is yelling at Luca. It's muffled in the crowd noise but I'm sure I heard "bloody head it Luca, head it!" Theres a late break in Isle 19. Emma is out of position trying to cover Mrs Falsely Claiming To Have COPD as the reason she needs 50 tins of beans. Joy, Craig and Simon drop back and do enough to put her off going for the win and safely play it out from the back to steer the team to the checkout.
There's seconds remaining as Jackalyn slides in from distance, arm extended, contactless card at the ready and taps in for the win a split second before the final whistle is blown. I can honestly say, in my five seasons of sport reporting, I have never seen, and I am unlikely to ever see again, a match like that. We're exhausted in the stands and my Bovril and Tikka pie have gone flying. Goodness only knows how they feel on the pitch. These are true scenes as the title is secured in the most dramatic of circumstances. There's already talk of Knighthoods but that's for another day. As it is Normski directs us all to the Winchester to sit it out. What a season finale.